Saturday, July 24, 2010

its chinatown...

dude...

k, ive been thinking a little about our chat.... breaking up with me on skype chat, not voice or cam or face to face but on chat..... lame...


i asked you once if you were in love with me, you said yes, you were... i told you that i could be in love with you... big difference... i think maybe you failed to fully grasp that i was never as in love with you.. at least not as much as your were with me, and certainly not now... i wanted to be, i tried to be... i failed to be... i failed, again.. epic fail...


many times you said, out loud, you wanted to care for me, whatever that means... you wanted, apparently, happily ever after, without having to actly be here for the ever after... you really are childish and dramatic and selfish and angry and vindictive.. youre blaming me for your broken heart, for your embarrassment, your foolishness... i really dont care why you chose to end any romantic feelings you had for me, or why you felt that you were flying solo in this relationship... i mean i understand why you felt that way, but i it was enough for me to just move on and be friends... whatever that might have meant or been... thanks for dragging me through your hurt feelings, i really enjoyed that... i hope you feel better.... oh, and thanks for the lecture too... monseigneur... thats it isnt it?

dude..

youre a priest.. k, studying to be, and i cant compete with that... or with jesus, or with your desire to be the savior of the world... i would always be a lesser priority.. jesuit or not, whatever your vocation or activist-deal-of-the-month is, it will always be the true focus of your life for as long as it lasts.. and so too with the next thing, and so on.. whoever loves you will need to realize that and be ok with never being first, only second or maybe third.... the priorities of my life are different, and yeah, you would never be the central focus of it... david is the most important person in davids life... as much as i sometimes try and want not to be... in this respect, we are too much alike to be different enough to be together... its not even about high five.. i was afraid that would be my dagger in your heart... nope.... when we were together i didnt even think about me being high five and you.... well, not...


k, and im a slacker... yup... i have no real goals or any direction in my life... hockey was it for me, and now thats really gone for good... and after 2008-09 its enough right now to just be alive and not living in a cardboard box....


will i try to spend time with you while you are here at the end of july? maybe.. maybe not.. ill prolly just keep my distance and stay as far away from you as possible.... and the rest...


its chinatown dude... its chinatown....

just walk away......


- cheers... david

4 comments:

  1. I think someone needs a hug and a friend and possibly someone to talk to, even though I probably don't have the romantic depth to match you in that potential conversation.

    ReplyDelete
  2. hug right back... thanks mads...

    -cheers... david

    ReplyDelete
  3. David!

    I've so been there, done that! And it's not a good place to be.

    Hope you're doing well, mister! You know how to reach me if need be, okay?

    -Dean

    P.S.: I'm still trying to figure out the "It's Chinatown" title to this post!

    ReplyDelete
  4. dean.... dude..

    " 'Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.' It's one of the most famous lines in movie history. It's also, when you hear it in context, one of the saddest lines in movie history, and in five short words sums up the entire film. When you hear it, think about what it means."
    ~ http://www.phenry.org/movies/movienight/chinatown.php

    "Chinatown"
    - Moe says, "Forget it Homer, it's Chiro-town," echoing a line in the movie.
    i dunno dean... if have you seen the movie chinatown? i was thinking about the simpsons homage too, where homer is run out of business with his garbage can spine-o-cylinder - patent pending - by evil n corrupt chiropractors..
    re-read my blog entry "pray for me to be a man"... intrigue, infidelity, high five... some of my friends were his friends first... at least one of them has made it very clear that i am no longer welcome in their little clique... the corruption and intricacies of navigating gay relationships.. the cliques, the intrigue that seems to take over when friends fall in love...or try to.. it has gotten unfortunate.. at least from where im standing...
    its chinatown... it just seems to fit.. at the end of the movie, when the line is spoken, in its context it seems to mean jake, give it up, you cant win.. idk, like been there, done that.. its tragic, its never gonna be any different.. regardless of the where or when or who.. just walk away... dont try to fix it. or change it.. or understand it.. its sad, very sad.. its chinatown.. so its better to just walk away...
    maybe im missing the point of the movie and the line.. am i using it as a reference badly?
    if i am, then i am way more stupid n thick than i ever imagined.. really....
    you have no idea...

    - cheers... david

    ReplyDelete