lying liars who lie...

dude...
the scout oath begins with these words... on my honor i will do my best... 

i was reading a friends blog..

being closeted and telling friends and then creeping on whether its too much info too fast and does my friend still love me... blah blah blah...

some how, yeah.. some how.. we got to does being in the closet = lying? prolly my fault..

sigh, i have a way with words... and i jabber out of my ass sometimes... damn instant comments... moderate them please, save me from my big fat mouth..

k anyway...

is being in the closet akin to being a lying liar who lies, or are you protecting your privacy? it depends, right? the situation, the person, the risk..

ive been there, asked myself that, dealt with the aftermath of telling friends i thought i could trust and having it blow up in my face, been called a fraud, a liar, a faggot, you get the idea... camping out in the closet is kinda of like wrapping yourself up in the covers really tight so the boogie man doesnt get you... eventually you have to get up... mostly just to piss... to relieve yourself... wait, what?

in the military, under dont ask dont tell, lgbt people serving in silence say that they are forced to lie... about who they are.. who they love.. their backstories.. their families.. their lives... k, so.. just following orders, lying liars who lie, both? anyone? anyone? if its not lying, then what is it? pretending to be something youre not? is it a lie if you marry a person of the opposite sex just to hide out? are you lying to your kids? your spouse? your employer? and if you rail against lgbt people while living in the closet, whats that all about? maybe it comes down to personal motivations and flexible morality? deferring to discretion? wait, what?

im sure some dudes in the armed forces would, if they could, be sooo out, and others, even in the absence of dadt wound prefer to stay closeted... is it lying if you never actly deny your sexuality? what is it then if you are asked, point blank, "are you gay?' or "are you bi?" and you say no.... of course not... a lie? a white lie? a self-defense posture? and what about more subtle situations.... your with your dudes, and they are all scoping on hot girls and youre not... they ask you if you think so-and-so is hot? what do you say? do you demure, change the subject, lie and say yeah, or say nothing.. awkward silence.... k, not so much.... where does protecting your privacy stop and telling lies begin? is living a double life living half a lie and half a life?

ive been told by people that i have come out to, both men and women, mostly men, - women dont seem to mind that im gay, in fact they are usually thrilled, wtf? - that they felt lied to... deceived.. by people who love me regardless and by people that have chased me away for being gay.... am i a lying liar who lies? am i the great pretender? am i a fraud..? scared..? you bet... more like terrified... i didnt want this... life.. it is however, the life i was given... something about making lemons out of lemonade... the best of an unfortunate situation?

the boy scout oath begins with these words... on my honor i will do my best...

im an eagle scout.. course now im not allowed to be in scouts at all... but it would so not be my best or even honorable to deny my life, my truth, when i go out into the world... i am a fag. deal with it... would you rather i lied to you? pretended to be like you.. just to stay friends with you? when the shit hits the fan, better to be out n proud n honest i think, than to be a lying liar who lies...

- cheers.. david

brendan my hockey hero...

dude....

if you dont follow d1 college and nhl hockey then you prolly havent heard of a guy called brendan... brendan burke.. son of one brian burke, nhl big wig and general manager of the toronto maple leafs.. hes imposing and impressive... when he shouts, people listen.. when brendan died, brian cried, and people listened.. theyre still listening...

brendan burke... hes one of my hockey heros.... he came out publicly a year ago.... or the year before a year ago.. (i was sick that year and not paying particular attention) he was the student manager for his d1 college hockey team, the miami of ohio redhawks.. the number one ranked ncaa mens ice hockey team in the nation...

he was my hero before he died... he was newly openly gay.. from a proud, old school hockey family, former player, student manager and probable nhl big shot like his dad, or even probable big shot lawyer/politician guy... i was devastated when he died.... i still get a little emotional when i read about him.. or think about his life, see his picture, hear his name....

but - boys. dont. cry. ..

i was a member of a very cool group of people who met everyday on a blog and later on a forum, to laugh and chat, and cry, and just be goofy with each other... that it blew up in my face changes nothing about how i feel... but one thing that came out of that was the bond we formed with each other around brendan burkes life story.... many of us gay athletes, gay hockey players, looked to brendan to bring something new to pro sports for all of us lgbt athletes.. especially in hockey... a safe and welcoming environment in which we could be openly lgbt and play our game with pride and passion as full members of the team...

im proud that his family have continued to move forward with the work that brendan believed in, and send my thanks and praise to the burke family... i hope we see them in the toronto gay pride parade... brian said as much after brendans death..

i stumbled upon this article written by brendans older brother, patrick... http://www.outsports.com/os/index.php/component/content/article/59-columns/322-never-forgotten-patrick-burke-remembers-his-pioneering-brother-brendan

again... boys. dont. cry. .. k, i did, a little....

read it, dont read it... its up to you... comment if you care, just be respectful... brendan is one of my hockey heros...

“There are a lot of gay athletes out there and gay people working in pro sports that deserve to know that there are safe environments where people are supportive of you regardless of your sexual orientation.” - Brendan Burke

brendan dude...

you are my hero.. i am older than you, but you were, are and will always be my hockey hero..

- cheers.. david

dude, i resemble that remark..

dude..
this is the story of one of my perfect moments... it involves hockey, go figure...
...after a while a couple of new dudes joined our team... one of them was really loud and his favorite slur against guys on the other teams was you faggot. i listened to this douche bags shit for almost the entire season... it’s amazing how much shit we’re willing to put up with to maintain our privacy...

but in the middle of a close game, i was really hyper and pissed off at the way i was playing... i guess i just snapped or something, but in a quiet way... i leaned over to talk to this guy after about the hundredth time he made that you faggot slur, and said, you know what? “i resemble that remark...” he just sort of looked at me like huh? i said something like, dude, i’m gay, and i’m effing sick of your yelling you faggot at everyone... give it a rest... i didnt know if he was gonna hit me or what but i was pissed off and boys dont cry or show fear, so... i dont remember exactly what he said, prolly something lame.. maybe i really caught him off guard... j.a. overheard what was going on and as word spread up and down the bench, j.a. had my back... e.h. was in goal; he had no idea that i had just came out to the team...

that was the season we won our first championship... in a shoot out, the gay guy, thats me, was the last shooter, and on my backhand, my weakest shot, - j.a. rolled his eyes on the bench and said shit, not your backhand... - i scored and we won... a weak shot on a deek, goalie went down, i put in the net just over the top of his sprawling body.. ha ha the fag won the game.... no one ever gave me any shit about being gay, and j.a. and a couple of the other guys even stopped using the words thats so gay when they really meant lame or stupid....

~ cheers... david

pray for me to be a man

dude...

i love you... but
you love jesus... do i?
i respect jesus... i am motivated by the stories written of his compassion, mercy and ability to love without condition....
i am fascinated by his humanity... puzzled by his claim of divinity.... and frustrated by those of his followers who hate others in his name in an attempt to love god and present themselves as the best christians..
you say, and i believe, you are in love with me....
i could be in love with you.....
i love men... sex with men....
raw, random sex with men....
its not love... i suppose i could fall in love with a trick, or a fuck buddy...
i have..
but that was a long time ago... i see him around... he wont even look at me...
it was after that disaster, after a lot of hurting and reflecting, discerning as you say, that i realized there is a separation between love and sex...
when i was just out, a young man... i never had sex with my friends.... there was/is a hard line in my psyche between sex and friends...
perhaps thats why i am so bad at monogamous relationships.... a fuck buddy is a fuck buddy, a trick just a trick, but a partner is also a lover, a friend, a companion, a familiar, a part of me.. thats difficult for me to relate to...
i get bored... sexually....
high five matters too.... i feel like i have to live for now, have sex when i want to, when i need to, with whoever i want to, when a man wants me... for me or for just for sex... and if high five isnt an issue for him, well then thunderbirds are go..
i disclose my high five.... usually he bolts... i feel humiliated and dirty... ive been humiliated and rejected because i was honest with someone about it so many times, that when the opportunity for physical intimacy with another man comes along, and he doesnt flee, seems like a good idea to jump on it....
its ultimately a very empty way to live...
but its just how i am.....
you said you choose your word very carefully when you talk to me about your faith, your relationship with jesus and the jesuits....
i think we all choose our words carefully
although i sometimes dont..
on purpose....
ive spent most of my life trying to prove im a man... on the hockey rink, at the gym, in life... and it would have been helpful for me, as a boy and later a young gay man, to have had a role model or two to show me what a man is... what a gay man is...

bless me father for i have sinned
its been 5 months since we were together, you and i....
in that time ive been screwing around a little (k, a lot really)
i hope i havent hurt you, thanks for talking this through a bit with me... amen

pray for me to be a man....

- cheers... david

dogs vs cats

dude..
dont get me wrong, i love dogs.. but cats... they bathe themselves, i dont have to take em to the toilet twice a day, they go on their own, they purrr which is wonderful and my cat knows stuff about me, like when im feeling down or sick.. or anxious... cats are dignified, they have these sophisticated little personalities and manners, you know? they hate to be embarrassed, and like me, are kinda shy around folks they dont know... watching my cat sleep in a sunbeam, next to me, purring, well i tell you what, thats heaven...
dogs are loyal..
cats are in charge..
dogs beg..
cats suggest, nudge and finally just take what they want..
dogs will chase anything you throw...
cats dont fetch, but they do bring you gifts..
dogs have no filter - you always know exactly how your dog is feeling...
cats are mysterious, aloof even... they will let you know in good time what they want you to know...
dogs can be aggressive...
cats are passive aggressive....
dude, where you live dogs are mans best friend, companion and even do work. in conservative california, where i live, in this gayborhood dogs are really more of an accessory... people carry these little designer dogs around in their purses for christ sake... guys walk their dogs to pick up other guys... (actly, thats a really good idea) cats would never allow themselves to be humiliated like that.. and the cats you see on leashes, well just be sure all the other cats in the neighborhood are pointing and laughing...

- cheers... david