Friday, June 4, 2010

pray for me to be a man

dude...
i love you... but
you love jesus... do i?
i respect jesus... i am motivated by the stories written of his compassion, mercy and ability to love without condition....
i am fascinated by his humanity... puzzled by his claim of divinity.... and frustrated by those of his followers who hate others in his name in an attempt to love god and present themselves as the best christians..
you say, and i believe, you are in love with me....
i could be in love with you.....
i love men... sex with men....
raw, random sex with men....
its not love... i suppose i could fall in love with a trick, or a fuck buddy...
i have..
but that was a long time ago... i see him around... he wont even look at me...
it was after that disaster, after a lot of hurting and reflecting, discerning as you say, that i realized there is a separation between love and sex...
when i was just out, a young man... i never had sex with my friends.... there was/is a hard line in my psyche between sex and friends...
perhaps thats why i am so bad at monogamous relationships.... a fuck buddy is a fuck buddy, a trick just a trick, but a partner is also a lover, a friend, a companion, a familiar, a part of me.. thats difficult for me to relate to...
i get bored... sexually....
high five matters too.... i feel like i have to live for now, have sex when i want to, when i need to, with whoever i want to, when a man wants me... for me or for just for sex... and if high five isnt an issue for him, well then thunderbirds are go..
i disclose my high five.... usually he bolts... i feel humiliated and dirty... ive been humiliated and rejected because i was honest with someone about it so many times, that when the opportunity for physical intimacy with another man comes along, and he doesnt flee, seems like a good idea to jump on it....
its ultimately a very empty way to live...
but its just how i am.....
you said you choose your word very carefully when you talk to me about your faith, your relationship with jesus and the jesuits....
i think we all choose our words carefully
although i sometimes dont..
on purpose....
ive spent most of my life trying to prove im a man... on the hockey rink, at the gym, in life... and it would have been helpful for me, as a boy and later a young gay man, to have had a role model or two to show me what a man is... what a gay man is...

bless me father for i have sinned
its been 5 months since we were together, you and i....
in that time ive been screwing around a little (k, a lot really)
i hope i havent hurt you, thanks for talking this through a bit with me... amen



pray for me to be a man....

- cheers... david

3 comments:

  1. that was one of the most honest things I've read on the internet.

    I can see why we are friends, your thinking and outlook is a lot like mine, though we are also different. I think there is a seperation between sex and love, but I can't have one without the other. Just how I work I guess.

    And never feel humiliated. You are being honest, which is more than most people are, and in the words of Dr. Seuss, "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind".

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  2. I think you will get there, David, with time and by being compassionate with yourself.

    -Dean

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  3. @ madeleine.. thanks... hug..

    @ dean... thanks dude... im working on cutting myself some slack now and again...

    -cheers.... david

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